When I was first admitted to the hospital, I brought my textbooks with me. A part of me didn’t want to give up the dream. I attempted studying while I was in the hospital. But it didn’t take too long for me to realize that this wasn’t going to work. I knew that I was not going to be able to finish the semester. I was devastated after I had to withdraw from the University at Buffalo.
Despite having to leave UB abruptly, I tried going back in the fall. This time I only signed up for a couple of classes. I thought maybe I could be more successful if I scaled back my course load. I was optimistic and hopeful still. I had not completely given up on my dream. Unfortunately, I ended up having another mental breakdown. I was so very upset. I thought to myself, “what the fuck!” At that time, I believed this was the universe telling me to give up on becoming a doctor and I did. I just didn’t have the strength to keep fighting. I felt like it was futile.
Unfortunately, my study was not strong at that time. If I had been studying Buddhism more consistently, I might not have given up. In Nichiren Daishonin’s “Letter to Niike” he encourages his supporters who practice Buddhism with him. “Be diligent in developing your faith until the last moment of your life. Otherwise, you will have regrets. For example, the journey from Kamakura to Kyoto takes twelve days. If you travel for eleven but stop with only one day remaining, how can you admire the moon over the capital?” (p. 1027)
But I was very young. I didn’t have the faith then that I have now. I know about the journey from Kamakura to Kyoto. This is something I can recall when I am really struggling with something. I don’t want to have regrets, and I do want to be able to admire the moon over the capitol.
Another issue that I had was that I didn’t believe I was a Buddha. I also did not believe in my unlimited potential. This is something that I still struggle with today. I do want to believe that I am a beautiful Buddha. I do want to believe that I have unlimited potential. How can I really see other people’s Buddha nature if I can’t see my own?
My self-esteem has always been a struggle for me. Although, I do think it has improved a lot since the beginning of my practice. I remember that when I was young, I used to like tearing people apart with some of my friends. I found joy in making very negative observations about other people. Thankfully, I stopped doing that a long time ago. I am no longer so insecure that I find joy in pointing out other people’s shortcomings.
Practicing with the SGI for the past twenty-three years has empowered me to have an amazing life. Because I have struggled so much with my mental illness, I can encourage others who are having similar struggles. I do believe it is my mission to show that individuals that live with schizophrenia can have amazing lives. My recovery has been like a sign wave, and I have become adept at surfing! I am very proud of myself. I have gotten a lot stronger over the years. I still do have some struggles with my mental health, but these have diminished greatly. They are not as intense or lengthy. Now when I am struggling with my mental health, I can recognize it. Something that I couldn’t do in the past. Now, I can work my way through my struggles. I also take advantage of peer support that is available in my community. I have utilized the Renewal Center which can be used as an alternative to the Erie County Medical Center. I went there when I was struggling a few years ago and it was quite helpful.
I remember one time when I was at the Florida Nature and Culture Center I was talking to my roommate. She shared with me that her father had bipolar disorder and that he was doing very poorly. I shared with her that I live with schizo-affective disorder. I remember she responded, “can you imagine where your life would be if you didn’t have this practice?” I don’t know why, but at first, I took offense to her comment. But I thought about it later and I realized she was right.