It has been an interesting past couple of weeks. I think I am starting to get used to my new medication. I noticed that it’s more difficult to fall asleep, but it is easier to get up. I am taking 15 mg of aripiprazole. I had been on olanzapine for many, many years. I am glad that I decided to switch. My weight has gone up and down over the years. Although for all my forties, I was at a healthy weight. Then I hit my fifties and the weight started piling up, even though I walk about 10,000 steps almost every day. Unfortunately, my metabolism is slowing down. I really should start lifting weights, but I find it so bloody boring. I also used to do yoga a few times a week. I fell off the yoga train during the pandemic, and I have never gotten back on. There is a yoga studio walking distance from my house, so do I really have a good excuse? No!
The funny thing is that when I was a healthy weight, I always thought I was too big. I would compare myself to my sisters, which was a mistake. Next to them I always felt a little bit like a cow. Now, I look back on that and think how silly that was. But that seems endemic, I have a friend who is quite slim and she told me she wanted to lose five pounds. I thought to myself from where? I guess it just seems that many women feel like they can never be thin enough. I wish I were happy with my body. I do think that women should be happy no matter what their size. Women of every size are beautiful. I do think that for other women, and I do want that for other women, but somehow, I can’t want it for myself. I am discontent with my size. But I just want to get to a healthy body mass index. If I can get down to 24, I would be happy. I need to remember these words. I don’t want to get down to 24 and then want to go lower. I just want to be at a place where I am comfortable in my own skin.
I did have one of my friends imply that I should lose weight. I found that annoying. I mean if I did feel happy at my weight, who is she to imply that I need to lose some? Like I said before I do believe that women of every size are beautiful and should feel beautiful. We should never fat shame anyone. I felt like that was what she did to me, but it wasn’t that drastic, she was more subtle. I did not appreciate her disapproval of my new size. Well, it’s time to change the tone. Let’s move on to something else.
I went to a Buddhist meeting tonight. It was a great meeting! There was good dialogue, a fun song which everyone sang along to, and I think we have come up with a new district song! I had invited many people to the meeting. Unfortunately, most of them did not attend. But I know that no effort goes wasted in Buddhism. Sometimes, I think to myself, “what am I doing wrong?” But all I can do is work more on myself and do my own human revolution. I know there is a lot that I need to work on. I do still want to work on processing my childhood trauma. I suspect that if I can deal with that then it will be easier to work on my other issues. I can’t help but feel that processing my past pain is the key that will lead to a brighter future for me. Sometimes, I do wonder if I should look for a specialist. I am going to a local mental health clinic. The counselors there deal with a lot of different issues. I don’t know that they can really specialize in trauma. Although, I did ask to be connected with an EMDR counselor a long time ago and my previous counselor never did anything about it. I am starting to wonder if I should look for a psychiatrist and trauma therapist in private practice.